Since I started blogging, I also got really involved in Twitter. Through twitter I have made some really strong connections with other survivors. I also have been lucky enough to talk to some during their transitioning periods. I must say, it is an amazing feeling when you can relate to someone and have them know that they are not alone. To sit there and say, “I understand, I’ve been there” is something many need to hear. While conversing with some of these people I realized many say the same thing. “I’m confused.” Which is why I decided to write this blog here.
I think it is safe to say that anyone who has gone through any form of domestic violence has the right to be confused. The definition of confused is “unable to think clearly” Which after being abused physically, mentally, emotionally/verbally, financially etc; it is completely understandable.
Think about it, someone in an abusive relationship has basically lost all control of themselves. Everything is done on the abusers terms. The victim becomes a robot to the control. So imagine, when someone leaves that situation, it isn’t roses and daisies right away. Every single emotion you can imagine bombards this individual all at once. The big three: Fear, Hope and Denial.
Fear: Fear of what may happen if the abuser finds out that the victim is leaving. Fear of what may happen after the victim leaves. Fear of what others may say or think when they find out what happened. Fear of the unknown (job, money, housing, family..etc).
Hope: Hope that things will get better. Hope that the abuser will change. Hope that everything goes back to the way they were in the beginning.
Denial: Denial of the actual abuse. Denial that one is a victim. Denial that things could/would get worse. Denying that there is somewhere to get help. Denial of who the abuser actually is. Denial of how severe the abuse really is or was.
Being confused after leaving a domestic violence relationship is common, so don’t sit there thinking you are crazy. Trying to focus on day-to-day tasks is hard at first. Again, the number of emotions one feels after leaving can enhance traumatically. Besides the big three emotions I just touched on there are many others, such as guilt, shame, embarrassment, anger, sadness, self-blame, anxiety, feeling hopeless and even worthless. So dealing with all these emotions makes it perfectly understandable why someone feels confused.
Here are a few of the questions that I have been asked:
Q: “Is it normal to love and hate someone at the same time?”
A: While in normal situations the answer may be no. But as someone in an abusive relationship (which isn’t close to normal) the answer is yes. Why do I say that? From my own personal experience, as well as others I find that we love the person we first met, the person who swept us off our feet. What we hate, is the abusive person that they always seemed to be. We were in love with the mask, the disguise. The hate is towards the actual monster that we later get introduced too. Hate the monster we have now known to become, but love(d) the disguise.
Q: “Am I doing the right thing by leaving?”
A: Again, there is no reason for thinking you are crazy for asking this. My opinion, I feel that this stems from the hope you had for things to go back to the way things used to be, or even the fear of what may happen when you actually do leave.. maybe a little bit of both. But just know that you ARE doing the right thing! Honestly, things will NEVER go back to the way things used to be. The lies, and excuses that he or she will change or will get help is just a setup to keep you entangled in their web. Making the decision to leave will be the greatest and best decision a victim can and will ever make.
Q: “How can I get help?”
A: There are many resources out there. If you can safely search online, you will find an ample amount of websites that have great information. You will be able to find local organizations that can offer services to you. One thing I like seeing when I am doing my own research is that many of these websites have a “quick exit” to exit off their page. This is their virtual way of keeping you safe. There are also a lot of hot-lines and most of them are 24-hour hotlines, you can call when you know for sure it is a safe time to call and talk to someone who will provide you with the information you need.
If you have any other questions that you would like answered please feel free to comment below, or you can also DM me on twitter, email me, or message me on facebook.
“Google Images.” Google Images. Web. 10 Mar. 2016.