Dare To Enter The Mind of A Victim?

inside-the-mind-domestic-violence

On the brink of insanity,

Is this really my reality?

This couldn’t have happened to me!

How did I let this happen to me?

How could I have been so weak?

How could I let him do this to me?

Why didn’t I leave sooner?

What is my mom going to think?

What will my family think?

Will they still love me?

Will anyone love me?

Will I ever love again?

 

Now what do I do?

I have nothing!

I am nothing!

I’m worthless!

I’m useless!

How could anyone love someone like me?

I’m damaged goods!

I’m crazy!

I’m a failure!

I’m ugly!

He was right…

 

Why did I leave him?

I was better off just staying there!

Maybe I should just go back!

Maybe things will be better this time!

 

Why am I here?

Why did I come back?

God, I am so stupid!

I can’t believe I fell for this shit again!

I can’t believe I fell for his lies.

 

But I love him.

He must love me.

He says he loves me.

So he must right?

Things will get better.

 

Why do I always believe him?

I should have never come back.

I should have never answered the phone.

I should have blocked his number.

I should have changed my number.

 

I’m back in the same place.

I’m back in this hell.

It is all my fault.

He’ll never change.

He won’t ever change!

But I’m stuck here..

I’m stuck here!

 

Everyone said they would never help me again if I came back.

So I’m stuck here.

I’m probably going to die here.

I’m stuck here.

There is no escape.

There is no help.

He’ll never stop.

He’ll never let me leave..

.. not without putting up a fight.

 

I have to fight!

I have to leave!

There has got to be a way out.

He is bound to kill me!

If he can choke me until I pass out and laugh about it!

He most certainly will be able to kill me without a thought!

It will happen!

He will kill me if I do not get out of here!

 

Do not sleep!

Think!

How can I get out of here!

The sun is starting to rise.

Grab phone and go to the bathroom.

Call sister.

(But what if she says no)

She is always there no matter what.

(But what if she says no?)

CALL HER!

Tell her!

 

She said she’s coming now!

Now what?

How do I get my stuff without waking him?

What if she doesn’t get here on time?

What if it is too late?

Grab trash bags and start throwing stuff in them.

Sister is on her way.

She won’t let anything happen to me.

She has always been there to protect me.

Check phone.

Sister is around the corner.

 

Oh my God he is awake!

What is he going to do?

What is going to happen next?

My sister is just around the corner!

Tell him!

(My sister is just around the corner, I’m leaving)

He’s getting up, what is he going to do?

Where is he going?

He’s getting in the shower?

More trash bags, keep packing!

He’s coming back to the room!

Keep strong!

Keep packing!

 

He’s grabbing his keys, what is he doing?

He’s leaving?

He’s leaving?

Where is he going?

Check phone.

(“I’m downstairs”)

 

She’s here!

She really came for me!

Get all my bags and get out of here!

What if he’s outside?

Get in the car.

I’m safe.

Where I am going he cannot find me.

He cannot hurt me anymore.

I’m safe.

Breathe.

Photo Credit: http://www.voella.com/2015/05/inside-the-mind-of-a-domestic-violence-victim/

 

Undefeated

Undefeated.

In the midst of all the chaos, you remain undefeated. When you thought that you had lost the war, you were actually the champion. Through the wounds and the scars you stand undefeated.

Fighting battles no one ever knew about. Surviving with the impeccable strength you yourself were unaware of. Undefeated. Feeling like you are drowning in a sea of guilt, embarrassment and shame. Thinking it is you to blame. But it is not your fault. You never deserved the abuse.

Many battles may have been “lost”. But it’s you who won the final war. It is you who won against that evil force. It is you who had the final say. It is you who said enough is enough. You said no longer would you be the victim. The warrior inside of you raised its sword and cut you free. Your inner warrior came to the rescue and gave you the plan. You ran and you never looked back. You ran and fled for safety. You escaped. You overcame all of your fears that kept you trapped in that cage of hell.

When you feel like it may have been better to have stayed because now you have nothing, remind yourself that you now have everything because now you can do all the things you have always been able to do. You now can spend time with your family, spend time with friends and even make new friends. Now you can go back to school or even have a job without fear of losing it. You can dress the way you want to, wear your hair the way you want to and even wear makeup if you feel like it.

But the greatest thing you have given yourself is life. You no longer have to fear for your life. You no longer have to have sleepless nights wondering if you will make it and see another day. You have a new lease on life. A fresh start. You have the chance to start over from scratch. It may sound scary but it is actually a great opportunity. You can self-reflect, and learn the new you. ( previous blogs Love Afterwards, Trust Afterwards,and Hope Afterwards)

No more walking on eggshells. No more being under the control of someone else. You have all the control, you hold all the power of your life now.

So my questions to you:

What will you do now that you are free?

What will you do with this new lease on life?

How do you feel now that you know that you are undefeated?

Hope Afterwards

Hope. The one thing we think we lose but is never actually lost. It sometimes just lingers in the background. Hope never dies, but simply just fades in the midst of life. Hope is the thing that we held on to for so long in such a traumatic time in our lives. Hope those things would change. Hope those things will get better. Hope that the love that was once there returns back to us. Hope that we survive. And even the hope that we’ll make it out alive.

Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that things will turn out for the best. Hope is our lifeline during difficult times. Hope gives us something to live for. Hope gives us the strength to survive. Hope is what gets us through each and every day. Hope is an anchor for the soul. Hope is that breath of fresh air that we so desperately need. Hope is the fuel to the fire that burns within us. An Emily Dickinson quote reads: “Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops… at all.”

After leaving a domestic violence relationship the feeling of hopelessness sets in. This comes along with the feelings of shame, embarrassment, guilt, unworthiness, self-blame and denial. The hope we once had gets trampled on by all these other emotions. Therefore, finding it hard to get a grasp on it. Overwhelming emotions wash over us when we first get out. Like any traumatic event, you don’t really see what happened until you have stepped out of it. That is why when a survivor is free from their abuser they experience the shock factor or the aftershock of the events that took place.

While in the relationship the victim doesn’t quite see what is going on. What do I mean? His or her brain is so distorted from the emotional and verbal abuse. They actually believe all the things that were said of them by their abuser. The victim has low or maybe even no self-esteem. From being told that they are nothing or will never amount to anything so many times they start to believe it. When told that no one will love them they end up believing that as well. The injuries of physical abuse heal, but it is the invisible wounds of the emotional and verbal abuse that still remain for long periods of time. With the proper help, these wounds too will heal.

So how do you get your hope back? How do you bring hope back to the forefront? You do it by first acknowledging what you have gone through. Remind yourself that none of it was your fault. Remind yourself that you never deserved any of the abuse. Look in the mirror each day and tell yourself that you are worthy, you are beautiful/handsome, that you deserve the best and nothing less.

In my previous blog “Trust Afterwards” I mentioned setting goals and achieving them. Set realistic goals. Start with one area of your life and set an achievable goal. Maybe something like getting a job, or going to the gym, taking up a class of one of your favorite hobbies (art, music, sewing, fitness classes, etc.) Also, when you achieve a goal reward yourself. This will instill hope and will also empower you.

The greatest example you can give yourself is remembering that you did make it out. Remembering that you successfully followed through with your plan. You were in a horrific experience and you survived. Through surviving that, you can and will survive anything that comes your way. That alone deserves some celebrating.

There is hope. There always will be hope. Hope never leaves us, it never abandons us. We just have to sometimes dig a little deeper within ourselves to grab hold of it. Once we do, we once again become an unstoppable force. We once again realize that we can do anything we put our minds to and set our hearts on. We once again see our worth. We once again see the beautiful person that we have always been.