Partly Cloudy With a Patch of Fog

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Just a typical Saturday morning. So I thought. It was sunny outside, blistering cold I’m sure, but it was nice to have the sun shine through my bedroom window. Yet, I just didn’t feel right. Something was off. I didn’t feel like myself at all. My forecast for the day, partly sunny with a patch of fog. That’s the life of someone who has PTSD. sometimes we have days where we just feel out of it. Sometimes we know the triggers, other days we can’t seem to grasp what caused us to feel this way. That was what this episode was for me. I couldn’t pinpoint it. I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling the way I was feeling and because I didn’t know I actually became angry at myself.

I didn’t share my feelings right away. How could I get guidance with something I couldn’t yet describe? I was in a funk the whole weekend. I felt weird, I felt out of place. I knew that this wasn’t me. I was super sensitive to anything and just about everything someone said to me. I was an emotional wreck. At one point Sunday evening I just couldn’t take the feelings anymore. I began crying.

It wasn’t until Sunday evening where I was able to break it down. Thankfully I have an amazing support system to walk me through it. We were able to talk about what I was feeling and even understand that there will possibly be other days like this. I remember at one point during our talk, I got really mad at myself. I felt like because I was having an episode, that I had given my ex another victory over me. Like as if I was still his prisoner in my own mind. I was mad at the fact that I would have to always deal with having PTSD while he is probably living life Scott free.

During this talk, I was told that that was not necessarily the case. Although my PTSD is a result of the abuse I suffered from my ex, my episodes don’t give him anything. Definitely not a victory.

I had to come to terms with the fact that this is something that comes along with my PTSD. It was reassuring knowing that this person still sticks by my side even during my ugliest moments. Knowing that they don’t completely understand it yet they do their best and are willing to be there for me meant more to me than I could ever possibly begin to describe. Now if these foggy episodes were to happen more frequently, then that is where professional counseling would come in. Maybe even more so now before it were to ever get to that point. It is good to be able to have someone to talk to, sometimes we do not want to share every little thing we go through or are feeling with those who are close to us.

I am a work in progress. I am learning new triggers and new ways to cope and get through them. I am learning even more about PTSD on a more personal level. I used to be ashamed and a little embarrassed to admit having PTSD. I cannot be ashamed of something that is a part of me. In the end, if people find out I do have it there is only two things they can do. 1) Love me through it. Or 2) keep it moving! There is nothing to be ashamed of, especially your past! Your past is a testament of your strength. Your scars are your story of victory! It is okay to have a day that is partly cloudy with a patch of fog. As long as we don’t allow the fog to thicken and consume us!

The Phoenix Never Dies

It’s a rough road. For those who are going through or have gone through any form of abuse. The task of surviving day to day. As the one enduring the abuse. The unknown of whether or not we will make it out alive. The unknown if we can ever escape. The unknown of what will happen to us if and when we do escape. What will he or she do if they find out? What will happen to me? For those who have children; it ups the ante 100 folds. Why don’t people leave right away? It’s easier said than done, there are so many factors and reasons. Some may call it excuses, but as a survivor I tell you, it isn’t that we are making up excuses. It is due to the immense amount of fear we have towards this individual.

Then one day. It happens. Literally. Maybe it doesn’t just happen overnight, but because we are so brainwashed and have no self-control we don’t quite recognize it until it is practically boiling over. This fire burns inside of us. An unstoppable strength, After being beat and torn down for so long we don’t quite understand how we got this strength or where it came from. It is as if something inside of you just wakes up all your senses.

For me, it happened after my ex choked me and I passed out. Now, for the critics out there, you must understand that before physical abuse occurs usually mental, verbal and/or emotional abuse have already been set in motion for quite some time. No I didn’t leave after the first time he physically or sexually abused me. Why? Because he had already gained control of my mind. I was a prisoner in my own body. The daily verbal beat downs. Being told that no one loves me, or that I am not pretty enough. Being told that I get what I deserve.. The threats of what he would do if I try to leave, threats he made to me about hurting my family. No one wants me. No one loves me. I am nothing and will be nothing without him. Being reminded of how my biological father abandoned me by saying things like “Your own father doesn’t even want you”. The list goes on and on.

So on this one particular evening, we had not been on speaking terms for a couple days at this point which was pretty much the norm for him. I had the day off so I had spent the day doing laundry, running errands etc. I was sitting on our bed, watching t.v. when he had come home from work and entered the room. I didn’t like when we were not on speaking terms, I knew I had to be the bigger person and start some sort of conversation with him. I simply asked, “How was work baby?” He slams the wardrobe door shut, I look up at him and see his teeth clenched. I knew exactly what was about to happen next so I got up from the bed, thinking I would just walk out the room to avoid any more confrontations. It didn’t work out that way. He grabbed me by my arm and pulled to where I fell on to the bed. Like any other time, he pinned me down and punched the bed on either side of the bed. Like so many times before he said. “If you move and I hit you it’s your fault not mine.”

I thought I had memorized the whole scene. Every move he made I knew by heart. Then the scene changed. He got behind me and put me into a choke hold that I could not get out of. I passed out. For how long? I do not know and will never know. When I came too, I woke up with my head in his lap. You want to know what he was doing? Playing video games. As if nothing had just happened. It was as if I had fallen asleep there. When he had realized that I had woken up he began laughing and petting my head as if I were some sort of lap dog. It was in that moment that I finally realized I had to go. It was in that moment that I had realized that things were never going to change but that they were only going to get a whole lot worse. If I didn’t escape hell that night or the very next day, I would become a statistic. I had to fight and subconsciously I knew that I had to fight for others who were/are in a similar situation.

When it was time for bed, he told me to sleep with my head at the foot of the bed (as if I were the one that did something wrong). My rage boiled over. The phoenix within me was starting to wake up. I looked at him and said “I ain’t your dog, and I will NOT sleep at the foot of your bed, either you can sleep at the foot of the bed or you can sleep out on the couch, but me? I ain’t moving. Good night!” I had found my voice again. He was the one who slept with his head at the foot of the bed.  In something so small and simple as having the good spot in the bed, I felt victorious. My power had returned to me. That there was the first time I realized the strength I had within me. I stayed awake for a while until I knew that he for sure was sleeping.

The next morning I woke up pretty much just as the sun was rising. I had probably slept for only a few hours. I quietly and softly got up out of the bed, grabbed my towel and my cell phone and headed to the bathroom. When I got into the bathroom I looked at myself in the mirror and could still see my ex’s fingerprints on my neck. I ran the bath water and sobbed as I dialed my sisters phone number. It must have been around six o’clock so I knew she would be up. If she wasn’t heading into work, she was at least getting ready. When she answered the phone she had just entered her work place. I told her I needed to talk to her that it was very important and then began to explain what had taken place the previous night. She told me she would be right on her way and to begin packing everything that I possibly could. After we got off the phone I stayed in the bathtub a little longer. I had so many emotions raging through me. I was scared. I was hurt. I was nervous. I was angry.  I began crying again. I was doing my best to not cry loud enough that someone in the house would here me and come to the door.

I got out the bath, got dressed and walked back towards the bedroom. While walking down the hallway I was praying that he was still sleeping. While opening the door to the bedroom I literally held my breath. As I entered U looked over to find him still asleep. Thank God! I went to the kitchen for some trash bags and began emptying out the closet, stuffing my clothes in the bag. When one bag was full, I tied it and put it in front of the apartment door.

My sister kept me up-to-date with her location. I think that was her way of making sure I wasn’t in any type of danger. Whenever I heard him move or breathe different I would freeze. All I could think was what will he do if he wakes up?

I had almost finished getting all of my things when he woke up. I must’ve looked like a deer in headlights. He turned his head and looked at me saying “Shauna, are you leaving me?” It felt like my throat was closing up. I mustered up the courage to tell him yes. I told him my sister was already on her way and should be here any minute. He got up, and I prepared myself for what I thought would happen. I was expecting him to either hit me, punch me or even drag me around the room. I was expecting him to do all the things he had threatened to do to me. All the times he said I wouldn’t make it out the front door unless my legs were broken. Telling me I was lucky if that was all that happened to me. Every time I would look at him, I would have flashbacks from the night before. Flashbacks of when he clenched his teeth together and then lunged at me. Flashbacks of him putting me into a choke hold and then of myself waking up with my head in his lap. He had grabbed his towel and gone to the bathroom. While he was in there I started grabbing everything of mine that I could and continued placing the bags by the front door. I called my sister to see how far away she was and told her that he is awake and in the shower. She said she was just a few minutes away.

When he came back to the room he finished getting dressed, grabbed his keys and with his back turned towards me he said “Goodbye Shauna”,  and walked out of the apartment. I stood there for a minute kind of dumbfounded. Maybe even in a bit of shock, I didn’t expect it to happen that way. I didn’t expect him to react in that way. All the thoughts I had of how everything might play out when this day comes, all the fears of this day that kept me from leaving sooner. It crazy to me. In the back of my mind I still wondered what he may really be up to. Would he be outside the door waiting for me to leave? Would he be sitting in his car to follow us and see where I was going to be staying?

My sister called me to tell me that she was outside of the apartment building. I let her into the building so we could grab everything in as little trips as necessary. We gathered all my belongings, put them in the back of her truck and we were gone. My sister called my mother to tell her that I am safe and with her and even told my mother how I had marks on my neck still. I looked out the window as we drove off. I was free I thought to myself. Little did I know that the real battles were just around the corner.

Physically I was free. Mentally and emotionally I was still a prisoner. It has taken me years just to be able to talk about this, let alone start to heal from it. It is a long road. It isn’t a lonely road because I have learned from first starting my blog page that I am not alone and that there are many people who are there for me when I need them. I do not have to feel ashamed when I experience something for the first time. I know there is someone who has experienced it or something similar to it and they will help me thru it.

When I feel weak, when I feel defeated. Those are the times that the phoenix inside me burns brightest. The Phoenix never dies. It is apart of us, it is one with us. The phoenix is our inner most deepest strength and courage. It may seem like it escapes us but it never leaves us. It waits for its moment to shine in our lives. It waits to be called upon in our most desperate of times.

Like a Phoenix, she will rise from the ashes of despair and soar.”

Angel

 

Continuing Thru The Obstacles

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I am a survivor. I come with a lot of baggage, I will be first to admit that. Things that don’t bother or set you off, can send me into a whirlwind of emotions for days. PTSD. One of those things I had to learn to live and deal with. It is a part of me. It is not something that just goes away.

My past has made me very alert to a lot of things. It is a good thing but also a bad thing. Sometimes I tend to get defensive when there is no need for it. It is as if at times I feel like I always have to fight for myself. Like a bad habit. I had to fight to survive for so long that is almost as if I am programmed to always be ready to fight.

I have experienced new triggers, learned how to get through them instead of just avoiding whatever the trigger is. IS…not WAS! I believe that the triggers don’t simply just disappear over time but they become less frequent as we become more aware of what those triggers are and also as we learn to cope with our day to day activities.

Over the years I have learned a lot about myself, even more so thru writing my blogs. I didn’t like everything that I learned, but I learned to accept it and to change what I was able to change. I have learned to love and accept all aspects of me. How can I expect others to do so if I am unable to? How would I be able to know what I deserve if I do not even know what I am worth?

I am a survivor. I come with a lot of baggage. No, I don’t want to unpack my stuff with just anybody; that goes for both friendships and relationships. If I decide to unpack it is because that person has earned my trust. Which is hard to gain in the first place. If I decide to unpack, please be patient with me. Let me take my time carefully unpacking, carefully exposing my scars.

Continuing thru the obstacles, climbing over the walls, jumping over the hurdles and running this race called life. One day at a time. One obstacle at a time. Realizing that I may not make it through that obstacle the first time around but always getting stronger and better for the next time.

Reflection Over Troubled Waters

I’ve always been drawn to water. I love the oceans, lakes, and ponds. It is as if it is my own little piece of heaven. The place where I can let all my thoughts run wild and yet at the same time I can still feel at peace. I can scream out all my pains without fear. I can cry my deepest cry without judgment. Then, as soon as I have pulled myself together I am literally face to face with myself. Looking at my reflection on the water. Sometimes the body of water may be peaceful, with my reflection gently resting on the surface. Other times the water may be rough, chopping my reflection up.

During these times where I would see my reflection over troubled waters it was like another reminder to myself. Reminding me, that no matter how rough life gets I will never be overtaken by its circumstances. No matter how large the waves they will not drag me away from my destiny. The current at times might slow me down, but it will never stop me from reaching my destination.

Life has tossed me around like an ocean during a storm trying to drown me in sorrow and depression. Just when I thought I would be lost at sea and soon forgotten about, the waves started to slowly calm down. When I felt weak and thought I could no longer keep my head above the waves a deeper strength from within carried me through.

The storm had passed but the choppy waters still remained. I had managed to escape trauma, but the recovery process was just the beginning. Through the waves of life I managed to rise back to the surface after each crashing wave had ferociously crushed over my fragile body.

I am a survivor of many forms of abuse. I made it through the darkest of times. I learned to love my reflection even if it was over troubled waters, not just when I look at it on the gently pond. I have learned to embrace myself even when I am being tossed around in the raging sea.

My reflection over troubled waters, is a reflection of my strength. A reflection of my perseverance and a reflection of my hope. My reflection over troubled waters is a storm all of her own. Never to be broken. Never to dissipate.

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Never Judge A Woman’s Strength(revised)

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I absolutely love this photo that happened to come across my Facebook News-feed on 11/03/2015.

Never judge a woman’s strength, everything she has gone through has led up to this very moment and has prepared her for the next. A woman’s true strength really is in her survival story, whatever it may be.You see a woman’s strength isn’t physical. A woman’s strength is mental and emotional.

For someone on the outside looking in, they may not see a woman that is in a domestic violence situation as strong. For the most part she is looked at as weak. But tell me this, how is she weak if in despite of all that she endures she still manages to keep it all together in front of you and others? Despite everything she endures she still manages to paint on a smile for public view and for the most part tricking you all into believing that everything is okay? As crazy as that may seem, think of the strength that she has to pour into all of that.It is in that same strength where she finds the courage to leave. To pick up all those broken pieces and day by day piece them all back together.

Tell me, if you happen to be trustworthy enough to hear her story that you will still plague her as being weak. When she managed to break free and carry on. When she walks with her head held high and her truly beautiful smile radiates.

Don’t ever judge a woman’s strength when she is a victim of abuse. Because it is in her own survival story that her true strength lies.

The Lost Wanderer (Part 1)

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She was lost in her own hell.

Barely holding on.

She thought she knew better than to sleep with the devil.

His lies kissed her lips and she was gone.

His masked disguise left her blind.

Her strength and courage was sucked right out of her.

She was a dead woman walking.

Scared to cry out for help.

Scared to run away.

She held back her tears and carried on each day.

Not knowing how much more she could take.

Not knowing if tomorrow she would awake.

Walking on eggshells.

Plotting every move.

Who could she tell?

Life was what she had to lose.

She was lost in her own hell.

Not some fictional fairytale.

This was real life.

Every day was a new fight.

Fighting for another breath.

Fighting until there was nothing left.

He beat her down with his words.

His tongue was like a double-edged sword.

Her self-confidence.

Her self-love

Her self-control

All of it stripped from her.

She no longer had her identity.

She saw herself through the eyes and the lies of the man she once loved.

Her self identity became his insecurities.

Her pureness in his eyes were now impurities.

Until one day.

She woke up.

Woke up determined to break free.

She had had enough.

No longer blind

She mustered up enough strength to fly.

She was determined to survive.

Her soul revived.

Her heart strived.

She was born again, she had had come back to life.

She made a plan of escape.

Taking every precaution.

She was going to leave no matter the fate.

She was willing to claw her way out if she must.

The day had come.

Last night was the final straw.

He had choked her until she passed out.

She couldn’t take anymore.

Her life in his hands.

She knew his final plan.

She made arrangements early the next morning.

As she started gathering her belongings.

Scared for her life

She was ready to fight.

He was sound asleep

As she started packing her things.

Just as she was about to leave

He opened up his eyes.

He saw all her things and said

“You’re leaving me?”

In an instant flashbacks of past threats flooded her mind.

But she had already decided

Not this time.

Her inner warrior had awoken.

She finally stuck up for herself.

She told him she was leaving and that was that.

He slowly got up.

Her eyes followed his every move.

Her ears in tune with every step.

What was he going to do?

Out of all the things he had threatened.

What was going to be his first move?

He showered and dressed.

Not saying a word.

No sound was made.

No sound was heard.

He grabbed his keys and as he turned to leave.

He turned back around and said

“Good bye (Name)”

Goodbye? That’s it? She thought to herself.

As she heard him open and shut the door.

Something must be up.

She phoned her ride and explained that he had left.

A few minutes later she was finally gone.

Out of hell she escaped.

Without nothing, not even a scrape.

The butterfly had found an opening in the window.

And started to fly towards a better tomorrow…..

(To Be Continued…)

When She Awoke

One morning she woke up different.

Done with trying to figure out who was with her, against her or walking down the middle because they didn’t have the guts to pick a side.

She was done with anything that didn’t bring her peace.

She realized that opinions were a dime a dozen.

Validation was for parking.

Loyalty wasn’t a word but a lifestyle.

It was this day that her life had changed.

Not because of a man.

Or a job.

But because, she had finally realized that life is way too short to leave the key of her happiness in someone else’s pocket.

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As My Thoughts Escape My Mind…

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As you all know from my previous blog, I have started writing my book. It’s really hard, remembering details from my childhood as well as details from my relationship. I must admit I’ve already shed some tears and this is just the beginning of the book. Remembering things I worked so hard to erase or cover up. To bring them back to the forefront has been difficult at times. Some things I actually did completely block out of my mind and couldn’t really write in complete detail about. Even with some of those details that I cannot remember, it brought me to tears. To me, I felt like those details were not erased by me and should not have to be something that I should forget.

It has been challenging but also therapeutic at the same time. This book needs to be written, and I hope that you all can relate to it. I thank you all for being a part in this journey. Thank you for your support with this blog page. If it wasn’t for you this book may not be written. It was with this blog page that I had hoped to share and connect with others and make a difference in someone’s life. The connections I have made shown me that I really do need to put this book out there. You all inspire me more than you could ever know.

Continue to pursue your goals. Continue healing. Continue striving. You are on this earth for a reason. Do not allow your past to make you think or feel any different. You have a voice and deserve to be heard. Break the silence. Let’s raise awareness and let it be known that enough is enough!

butterfly is proof

 

 

Up and coming project

 

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Hey all, so I am in the works of creating a newsletter.  I am planning on starting it in September, I thought that would be a great time since it is the 1 year anniversary of my blog page. On my page I have the subscription sign-up on there, I want to focus on gaining subscribers now while I work on newsletters and continue educating myself with creating them, I have a couple in the works already.

This newsletter is a monthly newsletter focusing on encouraging, inspiring, and empowering women. It will be filled with helpful tools, motivational quotes and much more!

I thank you in advance for all your support in my endeavors. Below is the direct link to sign-up for the newsletter. When signing up, you may receive the intro welcoming letter and a confirmation email. It is automatically sent upon sign-up.

Sign-up here: http://eepurl.com/b19Lqz

Mother’s Day Memoir

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Happy Mother’s Day to this beautiful woman my Momma, my super-woman, my Queen!! Without her, I don’t even know where I would be! Thank you for your love, your support, your strength. Thank you for your encouraging words and kicks to my behind when needed. Thank you for always being supportive of all my decisions no matter how hard it may have been for you. Because of you I am the woman I am today, and because of you, I know I will become that much better. There will never be enough words to describe how much love I have for you. Not enough words to describe how grateful I am, not enough words to describe how blessed I am to have you as my mother. All the obstacles you conquered throughout the years, nothing could stop you! Not even cancer could stop you!!! I can only hope and pray that one day I will be as good of a mother as you have been to us! HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY  MOMMA!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!

This woman is my rock! She is the one I have always looked up to! She is my source of strength when i feel weak. She makes me laugh at times I just want to scream or cry. She lends her ears when I just want/need to vent. Some people say their mothers are their best friend but my mother supersedes that! I’ve gone through hell and back and she never turned her back on me. At times, she would have had every right too, but she didn’t. She has always supported me through EVERYTHING! Good or bad! She lends her advice and says it is up to me to make the decision. Whether I heed to her advice or not, in the end, she is still there. Even if it is me going back to her to say “You were right ma.” She never throws it in my face.

I have seen her go through some extremely difficult times. With each one, she got through them with leaps and bounds. I admire her for her strength. She has no idea how much she has inspired me. How much she empowers me. How much she encourages me. I could not be any more thankful to have her as a mother. I am truly blessed.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL YOU MOTHERS OUT THERE!! ENJOY YOUR DAY!

There Is A Moment…

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There is a moment that comes for a victim when they just know. They know that it is now or never. They know that this is more than likely the only opportunity they may ever have to escape. There is no time limit. The number of years it took for the victim to leave does not compare to the fact that he or she survived! Because, as a survivor I can tell you, all you want is for the person you originally met to return. You didn’t fall in love with the monster, you fell in love with its disguise. You fell in love with all that charm that was poured on you, the wooing effect. You deny the fact of knowing that the facade you met will never return. During the whole relationship, you try and change yourself, to keep your partner happy. But they are never satisfied. You change, when it isn’t you that needed the change. The abuser, who is so insecure with themselves cannot admit to it, so they put it all on you. It is a way to stroke his or her ego and insecurities.

I wrote several blogs before, about this moment. How something inside of you awakens(I refer to it as a tiger in one blog). All of your senses come back to you. Life returns back to the lifeless body. All the control and power you gave to your abuser seems to get sucked out of them and returns to you. You just know that NOW is the time to go.

For some, it may have been a few years, others ten or more. However, the important thing is that you made it! YOU SURVIVED! You followed your gut instinct, you knew it was at that time that you had to go. You “woke up” from your nightmare. However you planned your escape, whether contacting family, friends or an organization. It was successful. Let me say I am proud of you for making it this far.

This is the moment that you have been waiting for. The moment where you get YOU back. The moment where you get your LIFE back. This is the moment of NEW BEGINNINGS! This moment is the moment of the rest of your life! This is the moment where you will no longer be a victim, but you will become a survivor!

It was a tough journey, an unexpected one that you never thought you would experience. But do not beat yourself up over it. Always remind yourself that none of it was your fault! You NEVER deserved ANY of it!

When you are ready, share your story, use you experience for the good. Help others. Take it from me, this is the best decision I made; sharing my story and experiences, blogging to encourage and empower other survivors is the greatest thing I can ever do. I have found so much happiness in the connections that I have made and continue making. There is nothing better than knowing that you are NOT alone. TRUST ME; YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!

To those who may currently be in an abusive relationship, you also are not alone. If you would like to reach out (which I hope you do) please go on my “Contact Me’ page, and you can contact me through the outlets there. By whichever form you feel safest. I will always answer and reply as soon as I can, which is typically that same day. You do not have to worry, I am the ONLY person who checks the email, DM’s and private messages and they are all linked to my phone. I urge you to listen to your instinct, it will never steer you wrong. There are tons of outlets that you can turn to as well (many are mentioned throughout my other blogs). Also, your family will be there for you with open arms, I know one of the things an abuser says is that no one loves you like him or her. But they are so wrong! For one family NEVER stops loving you. Secondly, he or she doesn’t love you, because if he or she did love you, they would NEVER do these things to you.

One thing I ask that you always remember; is that you are not to blame! You are not doing anything wrong that allows any of this to happen to you.

Life After Mayhem

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It is hard not to wonder what the “new life” will look like when facing the decision to leave or stay. To some, it may seem crazy about there even being a decision in such matter, but the thing is that the abuser actually has THAT MUCH control and has instilled THAT MUCH fear into the victim, that yes; now there is a decision to be made and it can actually be a life or death decision. One must remember, that the victim has been isolated from family and friends, so they may feel like there is nowhere to go. The victim may not know of any resources available to him or her.

Mayhem is defined as violent or damaging disorder; chaos. The definition for it by law: the crime of maliciously injuring or maiming someone, originally so as to render the victim defenseless.

When I think of my past, and the word mayhem, I cannot help but think of it as complete and utter chaos! The fact that I used to live my life walking on eggshells, or better yet more like hot, burning coals. To look back and see that I had given my all to one man, every ounce of me given to him and that still was not enough. That even when I did everything right, he still found some way to find something wrong. How a simple “How was work?” could lead to pinning me onto the bed yelling at me, punching the bed next to my face and then choking me until I passed out. Followed by “I love you’s.” That was part of my mayhem, as a young girl at the age of seventeen.

Life After Mayhem; living a life after surviving such madness is very much possible. Hard at first, especially when you first remove yourself from it and look at all that had happened to you. It is traumatizing. Visions of the trauma flash in front of your eyes all day long, certain sounds and smells take you back to a frightening place. Nightmares are at an all time high. Even though you know you are safe, the feeling of safety has yet to embrace you. Trying to bring order back into a life that has been broken and out of order for some time takes patience, you have to have patience for yourself. You cannot rush the healing process; if it is rushed it will only cause more damage to yourself. The pieces do not just fit back together overnight. You will have really good days and you will have really bad days. Conquer each day one at a time. Set small victories for yourself, the small victories will lead you the major victory.

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You are not the same as you once used to be. Even though you have yet to feel or see it, you are so much better and so much stronger than you have ever been. You got your wings, and when the time is right for you, you will soar to new heights, you will experience new things. You will achieve things you could only once have dreamed of achieving. There will be an indescribable peace in your life. Now not everything is peaches and cream, there will be other obstacles that happen in life, but one thing is for sure; when those obstacles come you can take them head on. All you have to do is look back for a minute to remember where you came from and what you been through. Then remind yourself that if you can make it and survive that, then you can overcome this next obstacle.

Life After Mayhem; your life is now a life filled with peace, your life is a life filled with hope. A new life filled with endless possibilities. A life that is now filled with joy. A Life Worth Living For.

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Strength of a Tiger, Spirit of a Butterfly

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It is AMAZING what we as writers/bloggers can take from a picture. For instance, this one here, with a tiger cub and a butterfly. “Strength of a Tiger, Spirit of a Butterfly.”

When I think about strength I usually think of inner strength. I know I talk about it a lot, but as a survivor, it is something I had to remind myself of very often. Even today, with different life situations. Physical strength can only get you but so far. But inner strength, that is something that goes unmeasured. Once you tap into that; there is no stopping you. Once your mind is set and made up you will do what you need to do to achieve it at all costs. In the featured picture, when I look at the red eyes, to me it symbolizes the inner strength wakening inside of us.

One of the most amazing things about inner strength, is that even in your weakest state, even when you are at the end of your rope; that inner strength is there waiting for you. It waits for you to search for it, it waits for you to reach deep down inside for you to grab hold of it; because in order to activate it, you have to acknowledge it. When activated, it is like a roar that is at a decibel that only you can hear; just like an actual tiger, the roar is only in a frequency that cannot be heard by all. and it is when you hear it and acknowledge it, that you see you can make it. You will survive it. You will achieve it. You will accomplish it. Whatever that “it” may be.

Since I blog through the eyes of a survivor; I personally know that I had to have the strength of a tiger in order to make it out of my abusive relationship. Was I afraid? Of course! But it was that inner strength that still overshadowed that fear. It was that strength, that kept telling me “You cannot stay here.”  The Strength of a Tiger, had awaken. The strength that at one point I thought had disappeared. It never left, it never does leave. It just lays dormant. Waiting for you to unleash it.

While having the strength of a tiger, it is important to remember to have the spirit of a butterfly. While we are stronger than we may think. We also have this gentle, kind and carefree spirit.  The butterfly symbolizes transformation. So while, we needed the strength of a tiger to overcome our caterpillar state; since for some of us we may have had to literally crawl on our bellies just to make it out or pretty damn close to it. We are now at a point of transformation. Do not rush the cocoon process. This is the healing process. Once in the cocoon you are leaving everything you have once known behind. Embrace your transformation, where you will embark on a new journey. We now turn into this beautiful butterfly transforming into the person we are today. This carefree animal, who lives life with a beautiful purpose. We all have a specific purpose in life, and during your cocoon experience is where you will find it. The butterfly also symbolizes beauty. As it travels from flower to flower they continuously spread beauty where they go. So we too, shall spread our beauty wherever we go.

***Side note*** Coincidentally, my two favorite animals have always been the tiger and the butterfly for as long as I can remember. I had no idea that I would ever write a blog containing the two. Like I mentioned in the beginning, as a writer and blogger it amazes me at what we can see and be inspired by. Isn’t it?

Strength Behind Closed Doors

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Do you really know how strong you are?

Do you really know how much strength you have buried deep inside of you?

The battles you fight every single day.

The tears you cry behind closed doors.

The silent prayers you pray each night.

You’re a lot stronger than you think. You have overcome some heavy ordeals. Wherever you are in your healing process, you will face daily struggles, but you will overcome each and every one of them.

You can look life in it’s face and say “I got this!” You can look at yourself in the mirror and say “I am beautiful,I am strong, I am somebody, I am worth it.” You can hold your head up high knowing that you survived. You can set and achieve your goal and dreams.

Real strength can never alone be measured physically. Anyone can be PHYSICALLY strong by training right. True strength comes from within. It is when we tap into that inner strength where we are able to do things we never would have imagined being able to do. The strength that overcomes our fears. The strength that overcomes all our doubts. The strength that even with all we have been through supersedes it all.

So again I ask:

Do you really know how strong you are?

Do you really know how much strength you have buried deep inside of you?

“Don’t be ashamed of your story it will inspire others.”

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“Don’t be ashamed of your story it will inspire others.”

I encourage those who have a voice to use it. I encourage you to use it for those who no longer have one, and for those still searching for theirs. I encourage you to no longer be ashamed of what you have been through; but be proud that you survived! Be proud that the thing(s) that tried to kill you made you stronger! Hold your head up high and smile! Stand tall and raise your voice.

There is “No shame in my game.” Yes, I went through it, all of it. But I decided to no longer let IT control me. IT will no longer be used against me, but instead I choose to use IT to help and inspire others to do the same.

 

A Life Worth Living For; a life filled with purpose, a life filled with hope and a life filled with dreams.

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Photo Credit:  https://cassandrasmarriagemints.wordpress.com/2014/09/26/9-domestic-violence-awareness-blog-series/